Category: pregnancy

Posted in alone, baby, cheat, Deceit, DomesticAbuse, Fitness, Heartbreak, law, Lonely, Mistakes, pregnancy, prison, prisonwives, relationship, relationships, Singlemum

My ‘love’ back behind bars !

Posted on by KerryLouise

Took the police 5 weeks to catch up with him. 5 weeks!! I warned him he needed to do it before we had our social services meeting, despite his promises he just didn’t. Scared he was going to jail he told me. I did not think it would come to that! Just did not. 

I got myself caught back up in his cycle once again. A week before his arrest on 13th March he was promising money daily and it was so exhausting but I kept relying on it so bad so I had to go with it! ‘Let me see you both before I hand myself in please’ and ‘I need to give you your money’ , all just excuses to see me. Then once I saw him… I am weak. The Thursday morning I had had enough, promised money first thing.. countless missed calls and even one he cancelled (although he denies) and I thought enough is enough. Money my arse he won’t give me any! I sent long messages to his mother and father. I can’t lie the anxiety in my head and the visions of him ignoring me in my head was mainly what drove me too it. Reminder of before and well we know why he ignored me before!! Rather be with some dumb girl then admit to me that he doesn’t have any money. I blocked him.. fuck him! He called in the afternoon from withheld and I cancelled it 3 times. Proud! 

Friday morning he did the same but this time I listened, the sob story of how he couldn’t sleep and how he had the money etc. The usual battle of a phone call where some how he twists it to me being the one at fault. I calmed down and the afternoon I called him back in the hope I would get some money out of him. I was skint! Straight away he came to me and we went to the supermarket. A conversation before hand made me melt. The trip to the supermarket made me feel on a high, something so minor that most take for granted felt so good. Better than a drug. We looked like a normal family, happy and in love. The way he touches me, smiles and acts around our daughter. It’s all too much. The sex after this is euphoric but once again reality hits me slap in my face when he goes because he’s still wanted. Wanted for his assault on me, the pair of us are crazy! He equally should stay away from me, I could frame him for murder and he still wouldn’t stay away! 

He leaves ‘I love you,  call me later’, I don’t! I just can’t put myself through even the thought of him not answering my phone call on a Friday night. He was still blocked too. We speak on Saturday, 3 times I call him throughout the day and he answers each time. He doesn’t even KNOW how much better that makes me feel! Sunday morning he turns up at mine after his night out.. coming in at that time used to absolutely put me beside my self. Then when he stopped coming full stop I longed for those days, pathetic and not a relationship. 

Sunday morning was the last I saw of him. Again the 3 of us just chilling, then slept was ALL I wanted. All I ever wanted. Being at mine makes me anxious and so I left him to sleep and went out for the day whilst he slept his night out off. Monday morning came and I admit I knew he was coming after school run but I had a meeting at the school. I had told him but I knew he would have forgot. Finished my meeting and of course he’s pissed off. Strop city!! I kind of wish we hadn’t of left it like that but equally he needs to understand how it feels when people are not where they said they were going to be. The conversations on the phone then were completely toxic and I left him too it. See you at the meeting I screamed! 

Well I didn’t see him. He turned up late, wasn’t allowed in and I was informed he was being arrested and being recalled to prison.

My heart fucking sank. I cried. He needs to hear this I cry, what’s the point in holding this when the other parent is not even allowed to be present. The police officer in the room paints an awful picture of him based on intelligence. He looks like a real threat to his daughter, threat to me. It just all looks so terrible. Domestic abuse! Domestic violence! Drug dealing! Carrying weapons. Hearing it all, it hits home!! I still feel like my heart has been pulled out. Prison again!

That evening brings back loads of memories. He had called his mother earlier on and asked me to look in his old prison bag. I did. All my emails, cards, pictures! FFS we were so in love! What the hell happened???!!! How did we get to this! Emails I had sent where he had underlined words and sentences. Prison is a fucked up place, and it fucked him up and I did hurt him! I felt like this was what I wanted but it still didn’t feel good.

The next morning I spoke with the police officer. She was lovely and told me he was recalled only due to the fact he took so long for arrest. Not good character when on licence. I’m still yet to know how long he has but with no new offences the longest it will be is 6 weeks. This day I felt good, I felt fucking free!! I knew where he was, he couldn’t smoke, drink, shag whatever dirt box to void his feelings now. Just him , his own thoughts, memories and countless men! Perfect! 

Wednesday 15th and the last time I heard his voice. I was shocked to hear him, he sounded fine. Loving even. No blame on me at all. He’s using his charm, tells me how already he’s thinking of me moving on, can’t bare it. Asks me to be good for him and tells me if this time I am I’ll see a changed man. He gets 22 minutes call time and I do reciprocate his ‘I love you’ and ‘I miss you’ at the end of the call. I’d already sent a harsh straight to the point email by this point which he would of had the pleasure of being delivered the next day. Good! Harsh, real facts on how he has treated the woman who was there for him. Like really there for him! He needs to know! He did joke on the phone about how I must be loving this! Yes I do. I felt like I had been released from prison. Roles reversed. 

I believe he tried to call me on Tuesday, he didn’t get through so called his sister and passed on some shitty message! He got another email from me, look how he reacts after I miss one call. Yet he can ignore his phone ALL day and it’s perfectly fine and I’m made to feel like a dick for caring! He could have said hope you are all ok but no. This is him ALL over .. defensive negativeness and thinks I’m just ‘airing’ him. He’s so transparent to me now, he’s hurt because he didn’t get to speak to me! Hurt, so he attacks. 

I’ve spoke with my new social worker. I like her. She’s going to visit him inside. The whole report is very bias, paints an awful picture of him and I hold my hands up to all professionals that I have been violent. I often provoke situations and push him. I need help with my anger and I need help dealing with the events from the past year. He needs help dealing with stuff I have also put him through but I will never lose sight of how manipulative and how much he has mentally abused me when I was pregnant and then when I had a newborn. 

When he first came out of jail I was the most amazing woman on this planet apparently. He wanted to marry me. Confusing him when I was honest about my infidelity the weekend before he came home just blew up massively in my face. He blamed EVERYTHING on that. The reason he was risking his freedom was all my fault. If he had just held a job down, kept away from his wasteman friends and stepped away from that road trap life we would NOT be here today! 

The whole year has ALL been because I did not tolerate his choices. His illegal activities that of cause he gaslighted me and made out it wasn’t happening. He thinks I was born yesterday, driving him around to ‘pick stuff up from his bredrin’, finding cash on him. The begging, the pleading, the promises he made that it wasn’t on a big scale. He wasn’t touching anything apparently. I was always always so petrified he’d end up back in jail. My uncooperation which led to constant rows sent him to be the cheating animal he became! Of course he’d pick a 19 year old not bothered about his lifestyle over me giving him constant headache! Of course!! 

It’s now, now or never. This short time inside could be the blessing he needed to be a proper father and have a decent relationship with his beautiful little baby girl. That life he is in deep in ain’t worth the life he’s currently living. Friday night and banged up in a cell since 4pm. If this doesn’t show him his daughter is worth more, then NOTHING WILL! 

Posted in alone, baby, cheat, Company, Diet, DomesticAbuse, Heart, Heartbreak, intimate, life, Lonely, love, Mistakes, mother, Parenting, pregnancy, pregnant, relationship, relationships, sex, single mum, singlemum, Singlemum

A day without crying ? 

Posted on by KerryLouise

I woke up yesterday with a sickness bug. I hate being sick. I hate it even more when I have no one around me to take care of me. It made me feel emotional, I couldn’t believe it was now entering the fourth day without contact with the ex. How was he feeling?! Does he even care? I knew he was probably playing the victim, even in his own head, guaranteed he’s still got it inside him that it’s all my fault. ‘What kind of woman gets his man locked?’ He’ll be asking.  I cast my mind back to the number of times he would just attack me with words about how I bet I would do that too him. I’m that type of girl, I’m low like that. Back then I never would, he just went TOO far. 

I did call him today from my mums phone, I know how his mind works and he’ll just be building up more hate for me if I don’t attempt contact. If I call him and ask when he wants his clothes he can’t blame me for not having them can he? He admitted he had tried to call me, used someone else’s phone and had been to the flat, that made me feel better. I asked him if I should take his clothes to that girls work place, he snapped back ‘why should you?’ He said he wasn’t staying there, last time he admitted he was staying with his new girlfriend so I have no reason to doubt him. Or do I ?! To be honest it is unlikely, unless she really is a desperate needy slag. Alarm bells would certainly ring to me if he was suddenly needing to be there all the time, despite him telling her he lives at his grandmas oh and not to mention the lies he told her even about his name. Anyway who cares, even if she doesn’t know now she’ll work it out herself. 

I asked him if he was happy, he said ‘do I sound happy?!’ I asked him if he’s missed me and he said ‘yeh I have.’ I didn’t tell him I missed him, I wasn’t going to give him that satisfaction. I felt better after the call, and I feel good this morning. 

I felt a bit low when I got in from my dads last night. I told them how I got myself in a cycle where he was the one to make me feel so low and drill me into the ground but I relied on him to bring me back up again. I hate it when I miss him, because I only miss the small amounts of time it was good. I need to remember the times I felt sick when I didn’t know where he was, the anxiousness I would feel when I worry whether he’s going to show up or not. The anger I would get when his phone was off or he wouldn’t answer the calls. The disrespectfulness when he would tell me to get off his line, tell me I was a fucking dickhead, a fucking prick, a slag. He would scream at me how I wasn’t a real woman, how I made him sick to his bones, more recently how I was dead to him and how he could get any girl he wanted, where as I was old with two kids. When I was pregnant he would tell me he feels sorry for his daughter having a mother like me, how I’m constantly stressing out his daughter and I’m a mess. I could go on but it’s not necessary, this stuff is enough. 

He always manipulated everything so it was always some how my fault. We would plan a night out, a meal and some time together. He would cause an argument and tell me this was the reason he never wanted to be around me, how I was boring and I bring it all on my self. I feel sick when I look back at times when he clearly went off with that other girl and realistically god knows how many girls there has been. He’s an animal and he’s vile and I am proud in myself that I can finally see everything he has done to me was never my fault. I justified his actions so many times and I can honestly say even if he shows me change I will never ever get over what he’s done to me. Destroyed me, abused me and trampled all over me during a time when I needed a man. A real man. 

I am out tonight, he said he would show up today to get some clothes. I hope he doesn’t, the buzzer is still on private and I’ll try go out this afternoon. My gorgeous princess slept from 9:30pm – 6am and right now she’s happily sat in her chair talking to herself. I’m the real winner, I have so much love in my daughters and my whole life ahead of me. What the hell does he have?! 

I reckon I can go the whole of today with no tears and I really cannot wait to go out tonight. 

Posted in alone, baby, cheat, Company, Deceit, Diet, DomesticAbuse, Heart, Heartbreak, Journey, life, Lonely, love, Mistakes, mother, Parenting, police, pregnancy, pregnant, prison, Prisoner, prisonwives, relationship, relationships, sex, single mum, singlemum, Singlemum, Strength, Weight, weightloss, Women

How am I feeling? 

Posted on by KerryLouise

The question on all my friends and families lips right now… how do you answer such a question when each hour my feelings change so much ?

I feel weak, then remind myself what he’s put me through and realise weak I am definitely not. My world was falling apart when my baby was just 2 weeks old and I had found out about his other life! But I stayed strong for my newborn and my eldest daughter. Continued to breastfeed although the pain was unreal and developed mastitis twice. Bills were still payed and my babies were happy! That is not weak!

I feel like I miss him. I miss the loving him, the side of him that would look at me like he was absolutely smitten. The way we would joke together and laugh. The way he looked at our baby and we would all just chill in bed together cooing over how gorgeous she is. His touch which would melt me and hands down give me the best sex of my life. Then remind myself relationships isn’t just about good sex (especially when you know he’s been going elsewhere too), relationships require team work. Something he used to always drill in my head, tell me I never work with him. Tell me I’m not on his page I’m in a completely different book to him (That’s rich!) and he needs a woman he can work with. Even when his sister and mother asked him what I don’t do that he needs, he walked out the room saying ‘I can’t think right now.’ Evenings he was never around, even before the cheating again. He would answer my calls though and come home, he isn’t bright to think I would notice when those things changed! I’m lonely right now without him but I was lonely with him… so what’s the difference!

I feel angry, I keep thinking about what his mum said to me over text message. Annoyed that she asked ME to remind myself of the traumatic experience we all had when he was in HMP before. Asked ME to not get him locked again. So mad that I’m once again being the one to blame if he ends up back in jail, yet he has risked his freedom every fucking day since he was released. He doesn’t listen to you ?? So why should I ?

I feel mad that his friend can tell me ‘he really loves his daughter.’ NO!! A man who loves his daughter does not choose to disappear all night when the mother of his child had a caesarean and can’t even get out of bed. A man who loves his daughter is around a lot more than he has been to help when things get a little bit too much for the woman who is caring for her. A man who loves his daughter does not take as long as he did to finally come home and get rid of whatever little fling he had previously. A man who loves his daughter does not stand me up as much as he did when we were seperated which meant he went without seeing her. A man who loves his daughter does not psychologically abuse the mother who is caring for that daughter to the point where they hyperventilate, cut themselves and bang their head against a wall to just get them to SHUT UP!! A man who loves his daughter, and apparently loves the women too DOES not choose to be laid up in another women’s bed knowing full well the psychological impact that would have on said woman caring for daughter. A man who loves his daughter DOES NOT continue dealing drugs or be involved in violence relating to such crime in fear that they’d end up in prison and that daughter then has to grow up without a daddy. DO NOT TELL ME he LOVES his daughter …. I love MY daughter. I show real love !

I feel sad that I gave him that many chances, believed him 100 million times that it was us he wanted, that he would change his ways and now it’s literally got so past breaking point that he’s not allowed near me. He will have to arrange contact for his daughter via a contact centre and that social services are also involved. I gave him many opportunities to do this as just friends, do this seperated but that just wasn’t good enough for him either. He was ok to act single but I wasn’t and he would drill into me how I’ll always be his! Them times I believed him, I didn’t want anyone else, still so sure he’d come good. Even after the cheating this time he made me agree that I would try again in the future, let him prove it to me properly. That didn’t last, since he was back to his old tricks of going between me and another girl AGAIN!

I feel bitter that this new girl has probably believed him. What a low class female she is! Accepting a man you’ve known 2 weeks, told you a fake name and cheated on his missus and baby with you! Well I have certainly more self respect than you my love and I just sleep at night knowing he’ll cause you more shit than he’s really worth!

I feel better! Getting this all out, I feel loads better!

Posted in Deceit, Detox, Diet, exercise, Fitness, Girltalk, Heart, Heartbreak, Journey, life, Lonely, love, Mistakes, mother, pregnancy, relationship, relationships, Weigh, Weight, weightloss, Women

Day 4

Posted on by KerryLouise

The first day I went over on my calories… I still ate less than 1500 but my exercise wasn’t great and so I didn’t have enough in the bank.

I am already feeling slimmer though so this is fabulous! 

Ex came to see me today, oh how sorry he is, how he can’t lose me, on his hands and knees, begging for my help as he doesn’t know what’s wrong with him. I’ve offered my help before, he betrayed me again .. he’s insane! I’ve been pretty strong. It does help knowing he has no one. No one real anyway. I think last time it hurt because I feared he had genuine feelings for that girl, this time I’ve realised he won’t ever treat anyone right so why should I fear? I see him with my daughter that’s what makes me weak, I feel his touch, weak again! He got crazy earlier knowing I downloaded dating apps again. This time I have every intention of meeting someone new. I need that, I need some attention, to feel worthy again. If I don’t find someone then so be it but how can I go on like this? Do what ? Take him back again because I want the perfect family ? No fucking chance. This time I mean it. Last time I knew I would fight for him back, again I admit it was harder because the stupid tramp believed him and he had her to run too but I can honestly say all the hate I have built up for him this past year is ready to cut him off …. or up … whichever! 

I’m not going to be bitter, that eats women up. It will continue to bring too much negativity in my life. I’m a positive person and I need her back. I will be his friend but I will not be his lover. 

Posted in alone, baby, Detox, Diet, exercise, Fitness, Heartbreak, life, Lonely, Mistakes, mother, Newborn, Parenting, pregnancy, pregnant, relationship, Uncategorized, Weight, weightloss, Women

Diet time! 

Posted on by KerryLouise

I I really need my confidence back, I need my body back. This picture shows how much confidence I did have. I did well for a week and then I kind of went off plan. I’m about to go serious now though .. 

20 days until my birthday and my first proper night out! If I haven’t lost a stone I won’t be happy! 

Thursday night we saw Dom, he was actually on time but acting off and cold. That act drives me mad. He accused me of taking his phone. I ain’t interested in his phone .. then he gets mad when I get mad regarding the accusations. He then goes off on one saying ‘I don’t want her and right now I don’t want you’ .. I break him down before he goes though. He cries before he leaves and he jokes about how I’m not allowed to talk to anyone or date anyone 🙄

Friday we had a really great day. I made the effort to not mention ‘us’ , I was so annoyed with myself the night before for doing so. He bought it up first saying how much he loves us both, how he doesn’t want anyone else. It was flirty, it was fun. This is the Dominic that makes me insanely happy. 

Since then we haven’t argued but he has been too busy to see us. I haven’t reacted YET but it has reminded me of his lifestyle and how even without the cheating thing he wound me up and hurt me. All this stuff that was meant to stop when baby was here clearly hasn’t and is not about too. This stuff wasn’t about ‘revenge’ this is just him! If he was still living with me it wouldn’t be as bad but he needs to watch it because yes I love him but showing me this side still won’t keep me wanting him. Why do we always want men who keep us on our toes ? If it was easy I would get bored .. guaranteed! What a mess! 

Anyway .. today is Sunday. Weird day to start a diet but another day off plan could put more weight on! I have meal replacements and I know this works! It works so well, done it many times before! 

On this 💪🏼

Posted in baby, book, cheat, Company, Heartbreak, intimate, life, Lonely, love, Mistakes, mother, Newborn, pregnancy, pregnant, prisonwives, relationship, relationships, Singlemum, Strength

It needs to be goodbye …

Posted on by KerryLouise

In just little over a week I’ve managed to put myself through more heartache and stress. I just knew getting rid of his clothes would some how come back like it’s my fault.Even said I should never have chucked him out in the first place as that’s why it went wrong. I’ve at times felt like we have moved forward but in reality we haven’t. I should have left him too it when I said I was going too last week.

The Saturday came and I was with his friend and girlfriend whose baby was just 1 week old. His friend rang him from my phone and you could tell he felt a certain way about that. He was cold and rude which I said was unnecessary. Anyway his battery died but he made the conscious effort to ring me back from another phone and left it that he would call me around 6pm to tell me that once again he couldn’t watch our baby as he was ‘busy.’ It’s funny how it was all my fault why he hadn’t seen her. He’s expecting me to call him and arrange when he can see her. He’s a big person , that isn’t my job. If he wants to see her he should call!! I should have listened to that this week.

Saturday evening came and I was pleasantly shocked that he said he would come by and watch her whilst I went out. I didn’t go out for long but it felt so good. He’s so easy to read and almost as soon as I picked him up he’s looking at me with those eyes. He’s so transparent it’s hilarious, I began by telling him to not look at me like that, nor could he touch me or call me babe. He felt no shame in saying how I wasn’t single, how it’s just a bad patch. Suggested I should just stay in with him and have ‘drunk sex’ or maybe my sister came to watch the baby whilst me and him went out.. ‘maybe it’s what we need’ apparently. I stuck to my guns and went out.. I got quite drunk and came home. He questioned something on my cheek which made it look like someone had kissed me (they hadn’t) and then it wasn’t too long until we were having sex! Doh !! Error!! It’s so good though, I can’t lie and it just comes so natural. He leaves telling me he needs to get rid of this girl … hmm like I haven’t heard that before.

Sunday he makes plans to come for 6pm, he doesn’t show nor is his phone on. Drives me mad. It certainly doesn’t get to me like it used too, I just come from a different world. A world where that type of behaviour is just plain rude and unacceptable it’s sad that I expect it from him. It’s a good job his daughter doesn’t understand, but it shows me more so why we need proper visits arranged. I can’t be putting my life on hold for him when he can’t even show.

Monday morning he texts me explaining he would do anything for both of us and he was sorry. He asks me to call him and again it’s the same old shit. How he would have literally died for me, done time for me, how I broke his heart. All I can say is how we’ve both done each other wrong but nows the time to mend it , he does agree and he came over later in the evening. There was no sex this time but lots of kissing and eye contact.

Tuesday he was meant to come over first thing … he didn’t! A row on the phone which saw me mention a fancy dress outfit for baby for Halloween escalate to him calling me a fucking prick. By the evening again he’s telling me he loves me. He’s unstable!!

Wednesday I feel sad. I call him and then text saying ‘just calling to say I miss you.’ He replied saying ‘aww b xx’ then a couple of hours later he calls out the blue and once again says how much he loves us both and would see us later. He lets us down but promises Thursday first thing.

Thursday first thing didn’t happen, shock !! I didn’t call. I didn’t text. Just keeping all this recorded if in the future I’m questioned as to why we can’t arrange times between us both for him to see his daughter. He mentions on the phone how the dumb bitch from Heath is pissing him off too. I calm him down … she’s nothing to do with me. He later explains how she’s constantly on it him about his phone, how she saw a text from me saying ‘miss you too’ and kicked off. All I could say is that I did warn him, considering they both started on lies.. she’s never gonna trust him and well let’s face it she bloody shouldn’t! We have a nice evening, we kiss and cuddle, I cooked and he had no problems in telling me how he’s sick of take aways with her. He does bring up the past, tells me how much he hates pics of me when he was inside. He loves them because I look so fit and a reminder of how all his ‘friends’ in jail would comment about how good his woman looked but hates them because he just thinks how another man was enjoying me. I’ll get that body back!! To which he replies ‘yeh then I’ll have you back.’ How shallow! He tells me again he just wants time and he most probably will end up back with me eventually but his head is just a mess. He leaves saying would see me tomorrow.

Friday, and I pick him up from work. We argue in the car after he makes me take him to the area she lives .. takes the piss! Ok I’m accepting what he’s doing and letting him work out for himself who he really wants but that’s completely just taking the biscuit. He’s cold and distant in the car and I hate it when he goes like this. I don’t help myself at all because I cry and go mental at how he’s so different to the previous evening. Like a crazy fool he denies even recently telling me he loves me. He even said ‘if you had never called her it would have just fizzled out with her and we’d still be together now.’ Again trying to make me feel like its my fault!! I take him to get his hair done before his friends come over to mine. I don’t know why I do this to myself … I knew I was seeing him later and I know he’d be a lot warmer, why do I wind myself up when he’s so rude!!!?? As soon as he got to mine to pick up his bike he winks and says ‘I’m sorry I didn’t mean all that, you know I love you. I just need to sort a few things out.’ My tears earlier were pointless! He goes off to shower (at hers) and then comes back. We act like a couple with his friends there , he strokes my face, leans in to kiss me. Makes comments about how he’s getting his long legged blue eye beauty (that’s me) back into squats. Once they leave he’s all over me .. this time it wasn’t me putting it on him. It was different, we kiss a lot before he leads me into my bedroom. He undresses himself and me, we are still kissing standing up just our naked bodies touching. During sex he keeps telling me to kiss him, and our eyes are locked as he tells me how much he loves me and misses me. I can’t help it … I fucking love him too. So much .. !! I just see a lost confused boy and it’s for me to help him. It was me who hurt him and I want to make it all better. He apologised again for what he did and was so sincere in saying how I deserve better and how I was too good for him. He called our sex crazy and was still touching me whilst saying how we would end up together. I’m his wife, always have been and always will be, and that we’ve both just had affairs. His needs to bloody stop though, I ask him how I’m meant to cope when I know he’s with her and he just says he’s barely there. That’s not good enough really but I must try and put it to the back of my mind. Of course I don’t … it drives me mad. He lets us down Saturday night and although he sees it as just me he’s letting down. He isn’t! He tells me today that she heard him say ‘I’ll make it up to you’ and she cried. Maybe he likes all this! Probably!

He doesn’t go to work today, Sunday. He’ll lose that job too.. he’s then so different with me on the phone cos she’s there. I cannot handle that shit. I should just bite my tongue and wait for him to come over but why should I ?? It showed me once again today how his behaviour is disgusting .. coming to me with all this love talk yet using her as an escapism and somewhere to stay. I feel sorry for her. I hear how he speaks to her too. Told her to fuck off, how’s she’s dumb and a prick. He has no respect for women whatsoever!  At least I know that’s just his nature and not because ‘like he says’ I broke his heart. It kicked off big time this evening, the venom and anger he has regarding his time in jail is scary. I feel like I can’t let him go , he shouts at me how all this is all my fault. I ripped him of any emotion he ever had, how he will never love another woman again because of how much I hurt him. He even said things like he didn’t want to come home to me on his release and how things play over and over in his mind. Some of the things he says I think are genuine but when he says he left all his heart in that cell I don’t believe him. No way. Along this bad journey that has been 2016 even with all the nastiness and anger I’ve still seen that sincere loving Dominic, the one who couldn’t let me go. The one who would scream in my face how much he fucking loves me and even his actions on Friday night … he can’t fake that. He still leaves me saying we’re going to try and work through it and put everything in the past. Only me and him can go from screaming and shouting to then kissing and saying I love you. It’s draining !! But my heart is breaking .. so bad .. and after everything he’s put me through I didn’t think it could break anymore.

Tonight I had to think about him with her again. He’s crazy for thinking another girl will take away his pain, using her as a way to hurt me is sick. He talks so bad of her to me, how she’s not his future, how he thinks of me when he’s with her, even said in front of his friends on Friday that she’s his landlord! Plus he cheats on her and is obviously just using her for a place to stay. He won’t stay with her .. nor will he keep away from me. It’s me who has to put a stop to that.

Tonight made me realise I need to stop seeing him. If we can’t make seeing me just about Ariana then I can’t mentally or emotionally cope with the turmoil he puts me through. I wish I could be around him and just be calm and politely tell him to remove his hand from my body parts or to not lean and kiss me, but right now I’m too weak for that. It feels too good and just right and natural but then when he leaves it feels devastating. Far too much of a rollercoaster and I can’t put up with it anymore.

Yes I hurt him but I often think he’s laying this on thick because he’s ashamed about how he’s treated me. Getting his justification in so he doesn’t feel so bad for shitting all over me when I was heavily pregnant and had his newborn baby. If it wasn’t this it would be something else and I only need to read that old blog and be reminded of how he was before he went to jail too! Deep down he has a good heart but on that surface is a very dark, malicious, selfish, vile creature. Why don’t I see that side more ?!?

I need to be strong !

Posted in baby, Birth story, breastfeeding, life, love, Newborn, Parenting, pregnancy, pregnant, relationships, sex, singlemum, Strength, Uncategorized, Women

Baby had her first bottle 🍼

Posted on by KerryLouise

It hasn’t been an easy decision and I did ignore the health visitors advice for a week. The breastfeeding gurus on Monday told me to just feed more but realistically with this current set up it’s pretty impossible. I don’t have the support a woman needs who wants to exclusively breastfeed, I still get pain and I need to start trying to sort a routine. 

So today she had her first bottle with formula. I’ve also given her expressed in a bottle and she has fed on me since too so it hasn’t gone too bad. Hopefully she now gains some weight. It also gave me a sense of freedom already. 

She’s such a good baby , she’s literally amazing 😍

Yesterday afternoon I struggled. I hit a low again , sobbing out loud with that heart wrenching pain. He went to hers after work at 6am and although I thought I’d be ok with it I really wasn’t!! All his betrayal makes me sick and the fact he’s still going there makes me so angry and hurt! Wednesday afternoon his texts were pleasant and he even felt the need to text ‘xx’ . We spoke in the morning and I still felt positive like we could sort it out eventually. He ended the call saying ‘love you too.’ 

Evening came and he text saying ‘can I make it up to you I feel ill’ if it was his first excuse and he’d been brilliant for past 4 weeks I would have accepted it. But no … it’s not on. I made a comment about how he’s making excuses just to be with her … THEN he said ‘listen stop bringing my girl into our arguments.’ Is he fucking serious ??? His girl ?? Yet he has been with me for 3 days , stroking my face, kissing me, holding our baby talking about how he’s going to win me back. All done in front of his brother at times! Then he has the cheek to disrespect me like that! Mugging me off in front of a 20 year old girl. NO! This is where this stops!! What was I thinking anyway allowing him to continue with two lives. Even before this I had made the decision it had to stop. I had to be stronger … he needs to miss us now and lose us for even a chance of him fixing up and stop being such a selfish prick! 

A phone call to his bro and a suitcase and 5 bin bags later I took all his stuff to his dad’s house. I sent messages with abuse and he still text saying ‘I will always love you.’ No matey you fucked up. Showing off in front of someone who is half the person I am! He also text saying he was going to come straight from work. Again I told him no! He can’t just pop by whenever he pleases anymore! That girl child is welcome to him. He won’t change for anyone and I felt good for the first time in a long time!! I know he’ll regret this. I know he’ll be back. I know this little set up he has with blondie won’t last and he’s only enjoying the fact she’ll take his shit! 

He had gone to work and at 3am I woke to messages saying ring me and also saying ‘I know you’re awake!’ I did what I said I wouldn’t do but called him, same old SHIT! About how I hurt him, how he wants a woman he can trust. Who will support him no matter what. The boy is deluded. I’ve given him the chance of a proper life and he throws it back in my face. I’ll give it to him he does manipulate the situation so I’m apologising , I’m still saying after everything I’d still be willing to give us a chance. To that he just says how he doesn’t think I’ll mean it and as soon as I’m myself again I’ll just leave. He continues to go on about how well I was looking when he was in jail and how it hurts so bad that someone else had me. It’s all very childish and it’s all the same stuff we talk of. I need to leave him to it now. No amount of talking will make him see sense, he needs to realise for himself and it’s very likely I won’t still be around when he does realise. End of the day … if he REALLY didn’t care, didn’t want me and had ‘moved on.’ He wouldn’t spend hours talking to me about this stuff. He wouldn’t want to confuse situations by having sex with me. He would just say ‘I’ve left, I love Ariana and can we not make it about us anymore but only her’ .. the talking is frustrating ! Why bother if he knew 100% we were never going to work. 

Today I woke up feeling sad. Thinking maybe it is all my fault , how maybe I shouldn’t have told him my mistakes (as he suggested) and how gutted I was. That was until I read a few entries of an older blog of when he was in prison. It was hard reading the posts about how in love we were, and how strong it was making us and how he was my soul mate. Then I read a post where I was questioning my loyalty to him anyway. It was deep it was raw .. pretty much summed up how much of a prick he was before he  went too. 

Reality is … he’s never treated me right. Only time he did was when he was behind bars, and of course he would then. I’ve given nearly 3 years of my life to him, had his baby and he still questions my commitment!? What a messed up boy! 

By this afternoon I again was thinking how maybe me keeping a distance would make him come good. I have to have a little hope, even if it’s not for a relationship but for our daughter! She doesn’t deserve a pop by dad who only wants her when it suits him. 

He wasn’t interested in organising seeing her through a mutual person so I suggested he has her on his own at mine. Suggesting this Saturday night only put me under the spotlight with questions! Where am I going? Who with? What am I doing? He was clucking all ready! 

This afternoon he text asking how we both were, then said how he missed Ariana, asked where I was then finally said ‘please don’t ignore me’. I replied with ‘yeh we’re cool thanks’ nearly 2 hours later and nothing more! His reply 

See!! He’s not well! He’s a very confused boy and if he doesn’t sort himself out he will lose far too much and then regret this for the rest of his life ! 

I didn’t reply. He’ll be at work now, and I can’t lie I rather think about him being at work during the night than being with her. I know I cross his mind, we both will. He admits how it’s bloody constant, I literally think of nothing else at the moment either and even the most selfish person in the world wouldn’t be able to block all this out. 

I need to stay this strong. This time it can’t just be days .. it needs to be weeks. Months even! When he wants to see Ariana I need to leave him to it with her, I can’t be around him as he just makes me weak. It won’t be a daily thing either and I won’t be the one asking when he wants to see her. He knows what he needs to do. 

I’m just taking each day at a time xxx 

Posted in baby, breastfeeding, life, love, Newborn, Parenting, pregnancy, pregnant, relationships, sex, singlemum, Strength, Uncategorized, Women

Baby’s first hospital trip 

Posted on by KerryLouise

It’s pretty scary for mother to see blood in your baby’s sick as you can imagine ! I first called NHS direct at 3:45 am on Monday morning. What a surprise Dominic wasn’t contactable.

We went for lunch on Sunday as planned and we ended up being together for like 8 hours. It’s one thing saying he can have minimal contact but when we’re together and getting on, why would I begrudge our daughter and also me of this family time ?! He wanted to bath her too and saying no it would just turn nasty. I have to be honest I also like having him around.

I think he realised how important it is to be around more or at LEAST contactable for his daughters sake after he finally learnt she was in hospital on Monday morning. It’s frustrating that he can’t just realise this!

Luckily turns out the blood was likely to be from me after a bad latch. It was well worth the visit as she is now being treated for reflux. Which is likely why she hasn’t gained weight and not due to my breast milk. Dom was brilliant all day, had to tell him again in the evening about himself but he saw sense pretty quickly and he came home with us. I was bloody tired so I really needed the support.

He’s spent the majority of the day here too. I am so torn between knowing I deserve better to thinking we can work through this. Outsiders will call me crazy but I’ve realised now how much I did really hurt him by meeting someone else when he was inside. We have both been unkind to each other and yes his revenge was done at a disgusting time but the thought of life without him kills me. The thought of not giving this another chance for our baby just isn’t an option for me. We haven’t been right for ages and yes she’s still on the scene but I think it will come good.

She called him Sunday stressing as to why he was still with me. After that it was quite easy to show myself exactly how weak he is of a person. He just laid on the bed and I showed him what he was missing. After all I have needs too!

I know he will always tell me he loves me, make comments how ‘mummy needs to have me home’ and making it pretty clear she means nothing to him. Right now he has no where to really go as I’m not ready to have him here full time. Not only due to forgiveness but because of trust. I’m not putting myself in that position again, I’m letting her be the one stressing about where he is and what he’s doing. I’m not going to force him into making a decision nor will I use our baby as a reason we should cut the crap and start again. At the minute it’s like I’m the other woman and I rather it be that way then me being the one cheated on, she thinks he’s here just seeing our baby but separated couples don’t behave like us. Realistically will I be able to trust him again ??? That I’m not so sure about.

Posted in baby, breastfeeding, life, love, Newborn, Parenting, pregnancy, pregnant, relationships, sex, singlemum, Strength, Uncategorized, Women

With a new day comes new strength and new thoughts ..

Posted on by KerryLouise

Saturday morning and I woke up feeling sad. Baby just 3 weeks old and her daddy isn’t around. I felt like I just wanted to him home, I wanted him there to have family time in our bed. Enjoy our new baby together. I felt just shit. 

On Friday he told me he wanted to see her everyday and asked if midday was ok for Saturday. I had been invited for breakfast that morning and I wasn’t about to turn down company when the likelihood of Dominic sticking to a time is zero. I had to stick to my guns though and if he failed to show or wanted a different time then no , that’s not ok. His loss. Far too many times during my pregnancy he would dictate to me everything .. literally EVERYTHING! I also didn’t want to play it nasty either , just going out and not contacting him would give him the opportunity to say ‘well I came by’ and I’d be blamed. So I texted in the morning asking where he would like to meet at 12. At 12:45 he messaged asking if he could come later.. I explained I was busy later and we should do tomorrow. Sounds minor but that is a big step for me. I took back some control. He was kind in his reponses, I even got kisses and we have planned to meet today for lunch.

As the day went on I was feeling low again, just missing him, wanting to call him. I didn’t get it.. was he not missing me too?!! Mind again playing overdrive and just hating all of this.

Then the unthinkable happened at around 8pm ‘hey how as she been today?’, I was shocked. My friends were shocked, we had just been having a conversation about how men can go days without seeing their children and not think anything of it. I didn’t give too much away in my responses but he did message saying how he can’t wait to see us both. Whether he means it or not it helped that he said that, he clearly was thinking about us. 

I woke up at 3am, and then again at 6am for feeds and both times I have felt like I don’t want him. As much as I justify his actions, admit my mistakes and feel all this love for him … he literally has done the unthinkable! I remind myself of the times I didn’t know where he was and think ‘fucking prick he was with her,’ he watched me go through that traumatic labour and cried so much (through guilt apparently) yet still went back there after. Chose drugs and having sex over looking after me and his baby!! Easy option for such a weak man. Even when I questioned him he lied and was rude to me, like I was going insane. 

I have so much to say to him today. Him disappearing the day after I got out of hospital was disgusting! I couldn’t even get out of bed. Even if I had booked a prison visit and not turned up when he was inside would not compare to this. How could he possibly have done that to someone he supposedly loves and his brand new baby. That girl is just a sket too, as if I would want a man round who clearly hasn’t stepped up to being a father. She’s blinded obviously and thinks ‘oh he’d be different with me’, well wait until you get karma love because I will stand back and laugh!! Even since and you’ve found out he was still with me you’ve took him back. So congratulations on being a mess and a weak little girl. Right now I feel like she can have him. I don’t need to deal with his bullshit. I can meet someone who would NEVER treat me the way he has. Not even the cheating at the most disgusting time but the mental abuse, the vile words, the lack of respect, all of it. 

I REALLY don’t want him right now and that’s a good place to be at. The thought of having sex with him again makes me feel sick, he has a bloody lot of work to do for that. I hope he gets his help, but I need mine too. I’m showing him I’m strong yet crumbling inside. Just by taking back a tiny bit of control I’ve seen a different side to him ALREADY. The powers of reverse psychology ey ….. 

Posted in baby, breastfeeding, life, Newborn, Parenting, pregnancy, pregnant, relationships, singlemum, Uncategorized, Women

My baby is 3 weeks old ! 

Posted on by KerryLouise

Today my baby is 3 weeks old , she is so alert and everyone who sees her can’t get over how beautiful she is. This makes me sad that her own father is missing out on this joy. 

I woke up feeling low again. More disappointed that he hasn’t attempted to find out how she is. Be how you like to me but your innocent baby doesn’t deserve this. I made a decision this morning to go and see his probation type officer person. She’s there to try get ex-offenders back in to work and keep them out of jail. I’ve always thought in the past she may be worth a visit but in fear of trying to protect him I decided against it. Now I’m not about to protect anyone but my children. He needs help, and I still care enough to try and get it for him. 

She was shocked, she got teary with me (as any mother /woman would) and told me she was going to have a very stern chat with him. She had obviously never seen this side to him and believes as I do that deep down the family we have is what he wants. He always made out to her that he was so happy with me and she believes that the cannabis and company he keeps is just ruining his life.

As the day went on and no phone call I continued to just feel lower. I had a couple of hours on my own in the evening and I couldn’t help it I had to call him. Not going to lie I was shocked when he admitted he was at her house but I remained calm and it didn’t hurt as much as I thought it would. After all I knew it anyway. He told me he was coming to see me, I told him that we should meet in a public place . Which is what we did. (If McDonalds car park in my car counts) 

I got a pep talk before I saw him from my sister and knew I had to remain calm. No tears, no anger and certainly no begging… just calm. 

I started by thanking him for finally being honest. I asked him if he loved her, he doesn’t (which I also know.) I asked him why on Wednesday was he still telling me we wasn’t over and why did he not show up after work?! His only response was how his head is fucked and realistically he needs to just be single for a while and sort himself out. When he finally looked me in my eyes he said ‘what the fuck am I doing man?!’ Anyone from the outside will think it’s all just a show but I know this is sincere. I know what our love is , I also know we have both hurt each other a lot and he even questioned whether just too much has happened that it will never be the same again. Maybe he’s right! 

My mistakes were bought up again and even things that I had done this week he blamed for his reasons for just ending up back there. He is INCAPABLE of accepting full responsibility for anything it’s crazy! 

Like I admitted yesterday , yes I hurt him bad but when I fell pregnant and even after that first scan where I admitted he may not be the father we BOTH made the decision to continue with the pregnancy. I reminded him of that this evening. It was my sorry to him, I went with what HE wanted to do and he’s just shit all over me. 

Yes talk is cheap and easy to say but I believe it when he says that he’s so ashamed for doing it when I was pregnant. He was all over the baby again and said how much he missed her. He was very pissed off with himself when he knew about her not gaining weight and promised he was going to be there for her and me more. We should be meeting at midday tomorrow, I need to make sure I don’t constantly ring him when he doesn’t show. If he fails to meet us that’s his fault. I’m STILL giving him the opportunity to be a dad to our baby and I shouldn’t need to mother him. 

He’s already cheated on his new ‘girlfriend’, since we kissed and he said how he needs to fuck her off. Fuck her off for us. He pleaded with me to help him get help and that he can’t do it on his own. I doubt he will tell her where to go, certainly not yet anyway. He isn’t strong enough for that but I know as each day goes on he will realise more and more what he wants. Yes I hate the thought of him with her but he had to think of me with someone else and he had to do that whilst stuck in a prison cell! So I need to just deal with it, accept we are separated for now and get the old me back. No stressing about what time he’s coming in, what he’s up to, whether he’s going to get arrested just concentrate on me and my girls. I am confident that he’ll be back, not so confident I will want him but I do like to think that some proper time apart could start that friendship back again. We had lost that, we have been so unkind to each other and we couldn’t go on this way. 

He blew kisses at me when he left the car and I do feel better. Even if he doesn’t do what he says at least I am in a better place. That is the main thing! I do hope that one day we can put all this behind us and do things properly but if we don’t then hey that’s ok too. Everything happens for a reason and realistically we should have separated months again (too hard being pregnant tho) and yes him seeing me as that confident happy fun Kerry he fell in love with will certainly mess with his emotions. In the meantime that dumb blonde can have him, I won’t feel any sympathy when he shits all over her .. cos he will! He most certainly will!!